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Democrats Push "Surgical Instrument Control" in Wake of Gosnell Conviction

Just days after the murder conviction of late-term abortionist Kermit Gosnell for his senseless slaughter of fully-born infants in Philadelphia, Democrats in the House and Senate wasted no time introducing legislation to protect the American people from future tragedies of this sort. Within...

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Shameful Senate Refuses to Blindly Follow President's Orders

In what will long be remembered as a sad and tragic day in the history of the Republic, the United States Senate failed to rubber-stamp the wishes of the Executive Branch on a policy matter, instead choosing to take what was called a "vote" on the President's proposal, which failed to reach the required...

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Anxious Nation Excited to Finally Have Its Taxes Raised

America erupted in joyful celebration on Monday as rumors swirled that Congress was on the verge of raising taxes for the first time in more than four weeks. As details emerged of the deal to increase all tax rates by at least 45%, citizens across the country took to the streets in patriotic fervor...

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New Service Allows Boston Sports Fans to Punch Themselves in the Groin

Two Stanford entrepreneurs announced the formation of a new company that will give Boston sports fans the long-awaited chance to punch their own genitals with a devastating self-inflicted blow. The two young computer science engineers had originally developed the program for their PhD thesis using...

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International Association of Bureaucrats Fails to Pass Non-Binding Measure Saving Themselves From Imminent Doom

All bureaucrats on Planet Earth were incinerated by a space alien death-ray blast after their union failed to agree on whether to issue a non-binding statement that would have preserved their existence. The shooter of the death-ray, Commander Gothar-XK 12 of the Shaklaka starship fleet, had requested...

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Gaza's Center for Nonviolence Remains Hidden From Israeli Jets

The Israeli Air Force has yet to find the secret location of Gaza's Center for Global Peace and Nonviolence, a $400 million Hamas-run institute devoted to peaceful coexistence and interreligious harmony. Said to be located somewhere in Gaza City next to a mosque doubling as an RPG depot, the Center...

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Chuck Schumer involved in steamy 61-year-old affair with himself, FBI Reveals

U.S. Senator Charles "Chuck" Schumer (D-NY) has engaged in an ongoing intrapersonal affair with himself for more than six decades, according to a newly declassified report conducted by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Emails obtained from the Senator's blackberry confirm that Senator Schumer's...

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Bush Rewarded for Involuntarily Granting Obama a Second Term

President Barack Obama will offer a high ranking position in his Administration to George W. Bush as a reward for Bush's invaluable yet completely involuntary role in propelling the president to reelection. Sources report that immediately after receiving Mitt Romney's concession phone call on Tuesday...

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Struggling Company Gives Last Remaining Job to 51 Year-Old Chicago Man

The United States of America, a publicly-traded company incorporated in 1776, has offered its last remaining job to a middle-aged former professor from Chicago, according to sources with access to the nation's hiring process. The job posting asked for candidates who "are able to work long hours,"...

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Democrats Kick Off 2016 Campaign Against GOP's Hypothetical Illiterate Homophobe

With the 2012 election safely in hand, Democratic Party leadership has kicked off the 2016 campaign by announcing a fully funded research center devoted to combing through the sinister past of the yet-to-be-determined Republican candidate. Complete with state of the art computer stations, ouija boards,...

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Everyone in Lower Manhattan Totally Sees Difference Between Response to Sandy Versus Katrina

The federal government's response to Hurricane Sandy was 4.72 shazillion times better than its response to Hurricane Katrina, according to a new MSNBC survey of New Yorkers living south of what used to be 34th Street. The survey's sample size was 300%, with a margin of error of "i." The survey also...

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Chuck Todd's Death Metal Band, "Margin of Error," Disappoints in Debut Album

Executives at Sony Music were sent reeling on Thursday after learning of the spectacular commercial failure of their highly touted new artist, "Margin of Error" (M.o.E.), a death metal outfit led by NBC's chief White House correspondent Chuck Todd. According to industry reports, sales of the group's...

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Obama Not Blaming Someone Else for Hurricane Sandy, For Time Being

In stunning and unexpected fashion, President Barack Obama has tentatively decided not to link the negative consequences of Hurricane Sandy to someone other than himself, pending further review. The President also ordered all federal employees to await further instructions as to whether former...

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Trump Hires Gloria Allred to Sue Himself for Harassing American Public

In a midday press conference held on a diamond-encrusted space shuttle, Donald Trump announced that he has hired famous anti-discrimination attorney Gloria Allred to sue himself for "ongoing physical and emotional harassment of the American public." According to court papers filed in federal...

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Romney Overturns Roe v. Wade to Find Lost Remote Control Underneath

Mitt Romney's campaign announced on Wednesday that the GOP presidential candidate retrieved his missing television remote control after overturning the Supreme Court's 1973 Roe v. Wade decision granting abortion rights to women. The remote control was found sticking out of Justice Potter Stewart's...

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Weekly Feature
- The GOP’s Kim Car-Crashian Moment
  Saul Krugsman Op-Ed Contributor, Wizard of Envy, Fan of Yanni Demonic poop-stained Hell, covered in moldy Entenmanns coffee cake crumbs. That’s the Ryan budget for you. Pure evil, worse than Ghengis Mussolini’s worst uncle, Calvin Coolidge. Ding dong. Austerity doesn’t work. Take a look at the Holy Roman Empire. In 1975, they tried this magical [...]
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